soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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