Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
