she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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