May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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