If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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