I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Randomize
