Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I didn't shave. On purpose
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
