how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
