she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
