apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
