I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
