I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
