Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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