SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
All the doctor said was why
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
