I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Randomize
