i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
