i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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