dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
