wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
