If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
