sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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