You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
