it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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