I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
