I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
