I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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