I seem to have left my pride at pride
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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