I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
