apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
