I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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