After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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