Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
