Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize