Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
