At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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