if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize