But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
