Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
