she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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