Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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