I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
