I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
