she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
