Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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