You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
