in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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