just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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