Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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