if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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