the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
