someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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