Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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