I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Randomize
