She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
