Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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