before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
