just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
