I wanna passion pit in your ass
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
