What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
