So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
