Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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