I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
