I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
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